The Desires of Your Heart


Psalm 37:4-5 – Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

How many times have we heard these verses, or at least the “idea” of these verses? I can’t count. BUT, what I know is that since I’m a Christian, I’ve committed my ways and trust in God. So basically, if I ask for something… God will give that to me. I mean, within reason of course. I don’t expect God to give me a million dollars just because I ask for it. That’s just silly.

I will admit, I’m terrible at praying. Not only the lack of prayers I send up, but the subject. Does this sound familiar to you?

“God, please allow my boss to really see what I’ve brought to the table this year and give me that raise that You and I know I deserve.”

“God, please have my husband do something romantic for Valentine’s Day.”

“God, please let me ovulate and know when to have sex so we can have a successful pregnancy.”

The desires of my heart. I want to be happy and successful. I want to get pregnant and have a baby. I really think those are reasonable requests. I’m a good Christian, so of course God wants to give me the desires of my heart, right? Well… yes, He does. But what does this verse ACTUALLY refer to? Let me provide some insight. Because I did just google it, so I’m now an expert (all hail the search engine). This commentary stood out to me: “To delight in God is as much a privilege as a duty. He has not promised to gratify the appetites of the body, and the humours of the fancy, but the desires of the renewed, sanctified soul. What is the desire of the heart of a good man? It is this, to know, and love, and serve God.” (Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary). God never said “I’ll give you what you want”. We are a sinful creature. Of course God isn’t going to fulfill our earthly desires. What IS the desire of someone who has truly committed their way to the Lord? To know, and love, and serve God. For God’s will to be done in our lives.

I like analogies. I think of it this way… If you have a kid and they say “Mom, I’d really like to eat this plate of cookies. It is the desire of my heart and I love you. Will you please allow me to have them?” (Super well spoken, polite kid.) You’re obviously going to say, “Well since you love me and this is what you want, here you go…”  You know that’s not good for them and going to make them miserable in the long run, so you tell them no. God isn’t going to just make me pregnant because I ask Him to. He isn’t going to make my boss give me a big raise because I think I deserve it. He will, however draw me closer to Him, fulfill His will in my life, and bring me pure joy and happiness through a deeper relationship with Him.

I need to continually remind myself of this. I can’t just keep asking God to fulfill my wants. I need to love Him and praise Him and draw close to him in order to align my desires with His desires for me.

Not mine, but may YOUR will be done! (And smack me up side the head as many times as it takes to stick…)


The Disgrace of Infertility


I just stumbled upon this in my blog browsing. So well written. From the responses I got from my first post, I thought sharing this may provide some peace to some of you as well. Check it out!


Around church, having kids is talked about as if it is like scheduling a tune-up for your car. “Isn’t it time the two of you start having kids?” is one of the most painful questions a couple dealing with infertility can hear. Because thats exactly how they feel! It is time for them to start having kids. They’ve been hoping and praying and wanting and waiting for a long time for God to respond to their request. So yes, it is time, but no, kids don’t show up on a time table.

See the rest of this post at: The Disgrace of Infertility

A Bump in the Road


June 8th, 2013. June 19th, 2013. January 17th, 2014. Three days I will never forget and three days that forever changed my journey.

In June I took a test. Later I had my first ultrasound. Today was the due date for my first child that I never got to meet.

I’ve been thinking for a long time about what I wanted to say today. The Facebook post would have been ridiculously long, so why not start a blog in this new year and new phase of life. For those of you that chose to read this, I thank you. I promise I won’t make it all sad and depressing – I want to share my feelings and struggle, offer insight and support, and help myself heal and grow. I hope you’ll join me!

Never in a million years did I think I would be one to have a miscarriage. I knew very few that had one (or so I thought), my mom never had one… I’m young, healthy… surely nothing would go wrong. We went through all the preliminary doctors appointments and scheduled the first ultrasound. I told my parents (on Father’s Day… ugh), grandparents, cousins, coworkers, best friends… I’m pregnant!

And then everything changed. The ultrasound was abnormal and the baby wasn’t developing. It was all gone before we really got started. The worst part was the “I’m not pregnant anymore” conversations with friends and family. I actually felt embarrassed for even telling people in the first place. After the blessing of a distracting week away at a conference, I returned home and reality set in. And the hormones changed. I’ve never been in such a dark place. I now have a glimpse of what post-partum depression looks like and I get it. Then people started coming out of the woodwork… friends and family with multiple miscarriages. This event is SO common, yet no one talks about it. I want that to change – this is a community of support that so many people need. I’m so blessed to have one that formed around me, and a very special thank you to those that helped me crawl my way back (you know who you are).

The past 6 months have been incredibly difficult. Social media = depression with the constant bombardment of pregnancy announcements (the worst are the “oops” pregnancies… why is it so easy for what seems to be everyone else?), adorable nurseries, cute baby clothes, and newborn photos. It took a very long time for me to GENUINELY mean it when I hit “like”, and I still struggle with jealousy. I DREAD the question more than ever… “So, when are you gonna pop out a kid?”… If only it was that easy. It takes a lot for me to just politely respond with a forced smile: “Oh, someday…”

Someday. God really likes to pound in that whole “My timing is perfect” thing. Even though I don’t care to admit it most of the time. With everything my family has gone through the past 2 months, I can’t imagine being 8 months pregnant through it. I’m thankful my parents and brother don’t feel guilty that they can’t be here for my first child’s birth. I’m thankful I haven’t yet been stressed about getting rid of the horrible pink painted room in our new house and getting a nursery ready (as insignificant as that is). Now looking back, I think the pregnancy got me motivated and excited about starting a family, but this was not the right time. I’m SO looking forward to the right time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 – For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven

Proverbs 3: 5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths.

For me, writing out my thoughts gives me peace, helps me sleep, and encourages healing. Whether you relate or not, whether anyone reads this or not – I am on my way. God’s timing is perfect. I am resolved to wait on Him and be content with my journey.

My journey may not always be so revealing – Sometimes I may just want to post cute pictures of my dogs or show you the new piece of furniture in my house…. But whatever it is, the journey is mine. 🙂