My apologies for the absence. What started as a blog about my journey to healing and peace quickly took a turn immediately following my first post. January 17th was the due date for my first (lost) pregnancy. It also turned out to be the day that God had in mind for me to find out positively that I was again pregnant!
I have to admit, my first feeling when seeing that word on the little stick was relief. FINALLY. Then after that… ran over to my husband, who in his still-half-asleep daze said “yayyyyyy…” (say that in your head with minimal enthusiasm – it was like 6:30am, after all…) and proceeded to rub my belly. The next feeling? Well, I don’t know how to describe it in one word, but I stood there, laughed, and shook my head. “Really, God?! I mean I know you have a sense of humor. But this is a little out of control. Positively pregnant on my original due date. How ironic.” 🙂
And special. And loving. And comforting. A date surely I will always remember. A date I am sure was all God.
I’m pregnant! Then not too much later… I’m pregnant for now. Most happy thoughts were overwhelmed by anxiety, fear, worry, doubt. Could I really carry a baby to term? Was this going to be over within the next month? I am certain that no amusement park has a roller coaster this dramatic. God bless my patient husband. He has been my rock. Always seeming cool and confident (thus providing comfort), while also never too excited to make me feel bad about my anxiety. And also my cousin-in-law Tracy, who having been through these feelings more times than anyone I know, was able to be my sounding board. She could understand what hubby couldn’t. Sometimes all you need is someone to confirm that your thoughts are normal and ok. I’ll always appreciate that.
2 weeks later it hit. The term “morning sickness” is a mean joke. It’s like a hangover. For weeks. And occasionally you can down some ramen noodles or an English muffin. I’ve never been so comforted while hanging over the porcelain throne, though. Sorry if that’s TMI – just being honest. 🙂 Everyone says that getting sick is a good sign. So every morning that was my check that things were still ok.
A few days after the sickness came the REAL confirmation. Beth was our tech for both our first ultrasound confirming a pregnancy that was not viable and our second-first ultrasound. She remembered us. Her first stop was to locate a heartbeat for us to hear. There are just some things in life that push open the floodgates. Things like ASPCA commercials, Lifetime movies, that new Huggies commercial where they fly in the sister to see her new niece in the hospital… and this was among them. It’s the most magical thing to have this noise coming from a teeny-tiny person growing inside you. And terrifying. Praying and hoping that it’s still there in another month when you go back to the Dr.
God is good and faithful. He has brought me to my knees more than most other life circumstances. I feel so vulnerable and helpless – all I can do is trust that His plan is perfect and understand that I don’t know what it is. I cannot force my body to hold on to this baby. Life comes and goes every day. I just hope this one doesn’t go before I do. Even now, at 16 weeks, it is hard for me to press “publish”. Afraid that making this public leaves me asking to be hurt and embarrassed in front of all who read it. Please add me to your prayer list, that I may daily take up my cross and follow God in faith. That I may trust Him to carry me and my child. That I can begin to prepare to raise this little one and train him (or her… probably a her 😉 ) in the way he should go.
So welcome to the revised Skidmore journey. The journey to motherhood. (Lord help us all…)