Seasons of Life

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My_Four_Season_by_onutzaC

My apologies for the absence. What started as a blog about my journey to healing and peace quickly took a turn immediately following my first post. January 17th was the due date for my first (lost) pregnancy. It also turned out to be the day that God had in mind for me to find out positively that I was again pregnant!

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I have to admit, my first feeling when seeing that word on the little stick was relief. FINALLY. Then after that… ran over to my husband, who in his still-half-asleep daze said “yayyyyyy…” (say that in your head with minimal enthusiasm – it was like 6:30am, after all…) and proceeded to rub my belly. The next feeling? Well, I don’t know how to describe it in one word, but I stood there, laughed, and shook my head. “Really, God?! I mean I know you have a sense of humor. But this is a little out of control. Positively pregnant on my original due date. How ironic.” 🙂

And special. And loving. And comforting. A date surely I will always remember. A date I am sure was all God.

I’m pregnant! Then not too much later… I’m pregnant for now. Most happy thoughts were overwhelmed by anxiety, fear, worry, doubt. Could I really carry a baby to term? Was this going to be over within the next month? I am certain that no amusement park has a roller coaster this dramatic. God bless my patient husband. He has been my rock. Always seeming cool and confident (thus providing comfort), while also never too excited to make me feel bad about my anxiety. And also my cousin-in-law Tracy, who having been through these feelings more times than anyone I know, was able to be my sounding board. She could understand what hubby couldn’t. Sometimes all you need is someone to confirm that your thoughts are normal and ok. I’ll always appreciate that.

2 weeks later it hit. The term “morning sickness” is a mean joke. It’s like a hangover. For weeks. And occasionally you can down some ramen noodles or an English muffin. I’ve never been so comforted while hanging over the porcelain throne, though. Sorry if that’s TMI – just being honest. 🙂  Everyone says that getting sick is a good sign. So every morning that was my check that things were still ok.

A few days after the sickness came the REAL confirmation. Beth was our tech for both our first ultrasound confirming a pregnancy that was not viable and our second-first ultrasound. She remembered us. Her first stop was to locate a heartbeat for us to hear. There are just some things in life that push open the floodgates. Things like ASPCA commercials, Lifetime movies, that new Huggies commercial where they fly in the sister to see her new niece in the hospital… and this was among them. It’s the most magical thing to have this noise coming from a teeny-tiny person growing inside you. And terrifying. Praying and hoping that it’s still there in another month when you go back to the Dr.

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God is good and faithful. He has brought me to my knees more than most other life circumstances. I feel so vulnerable and helpless – all I can do is trust that His plan is perfect and understand that I don’t know what it is. I cannot force my body to hold on to this baby. Life comes and goes every day. I just hope this one doesn’t go before I do. Even now, at 16 weeks, it is hard for me to press “publish”. Afraid that making this public leaves me asking to be hurt and embarrassed in front of all who read it. Please add me to your prayer list, that I may daily take up my cross and follow God in faith. That I may trust Him to carry me and my child. That I can begin to prepare to raise this little one and train him (or her… probably a her 😉 ) in the way he should go.

So welcome to the revised Skidmore journey. The journey to motherhood. (Lord help us all…)

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The Disgrace of Infertility

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I just stumbled upon this in my blog browsing. So well written. From the responses I got from my first post, I thought sharing this may provide some peace to some of you as well. Check it out!

Excerpt:

Around church, having kids is talked about as if it is like scheduling a tune-up for your car. “Isn’t it time the two of you start having kids?” is one of the most painful questions a couple dealing with infertility can hear. Because thats exactly how they feel! It is time for them to start having kids. They’ve been hoping and praying and wanting and waiting for a long time for God to respond to their request. So yes, it is time, but no, kids don’t show up on a time table.

See the rest of this post at: The Disgrace of Infertility

A Bump in the Road

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June 8th, 2013. June 19th, 2013. January 17th, 2014. Three days I will never forget and three days that forever changed my journey.

In June I took a test. Later I had my first ultrasound. Today was the due date for my first child that I never got to meet.

I’ve been thinking for a long time about what I wanted to say today. The Facebook post would have been ridiculously long, so why not start a blog in this new year and new phase of life. For those of you that chose to read this, I thank you. I promise I won’t make it all sad and depressing – I want to share my feelings and struggle, offer insight and support, and help myself heal and grow. I hope you’ll join me!

Never in a million years did I think I would be one to have a miscarriage. I knew very few that had one (or so I thought), my mom never had one… I’m young, healthy… surely nothing would go wrong. We went through all the preliminary doctors appointments and scheduled the first ultrasound. I told my parents (on Father’s Day… ugh), grandparents, cousins, coworkers, best friends… I’m pregnant!

And then everything changed. The ultrasound was abnormal and the baby wasn’t developing. It was all gone before we really got started. The worst part was the “I’m not pregnant anymore” conversations with friends and family. I actually felt embarrassed for even telling people in the first place. After the blessing of a distracting week away at a conference, I returned home and reality set in. And the hormones changed. I’ve never been in such a dark place. I now have a glimpse of what post-partum depression looks like and I get it. Then people started coming out of the woodwork… friends and family with multiple miscarriages. This event is SO common, yet no one talks about it. I want that to change – this is a community of support that so many people need. I’m so blessed to have one that formed around me, and a very special thank you to those that helped me crawl my way back (you know who you are).

The past 6 months have been incredibly difficult. Social media = depression with the constant bombardment of pregnancy announcements (the worst are the “oops” pregnancies… why is it so easy for what seems to be everyone else?), adorable nurseries, cute baby clothes, and newborn photos. It took a very long time for me to GENUINELY mean it when I hit “like”, and I still struggle with jealousy. I DREAD the question more than ever… “So, when are you gonna pop out a kid?”… If only it was that easy. It takes a lot for me to just politely respond with a forced smile: “Oh, someday…”

Someday. God really likes to pound in that whole “My timing is perfect” thing. Even though I don’t care to admit it most of the time. With everything my family has gone through the past 2 months, I can’t imagine being 8 months pregnant through it. I’m thankful my parents and brother don’t feel guilty that they can’t be here for my first child’s birth. I’m thankful I haven’t yet been stressed about getting rid of the horrible pink painted room in our new house and getting a nursery ready (as insignificant as that is). Now looking back, I think the pregnancy got me motivated and excited about starting a family, but this was not the right time. I’m SO looking forward to the right time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 – For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven

Proverbs 3: 5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths.

For me, writing out my thoughts gives me peace, helps me sleep, and encourages healing. Whether you relate or not, whether anyone reads this or not – I am on my way. God’s timing is perfect. I am resolved to wait on Him and be content with my journey.

My journey may not always be so revealing – Sometimes I may just want to post cute pictures of my dogs or show you the new piece of furniture in my house…. But whatever it is, the journey is mine. 🙂