June 8th, 2013. June 19th, 2013. January 17th, 2014. Three days I will never forget and three days that forever changed my journey.
In June I took a test. Later I had my first ultrasound. Today was the due date for my first child that I never got to meet.
I’ve been thinking for a long time about what I wanted to say today. The Facebook post would have been ridiculously long, so why not start a blog in this new year and new phase of life. For those of you that chose to read this, I thank you. I promise I won’t make it all sad and depressing – I want to share my feelings and struggle, offer insight and support, and help myself heal and grow. I hope you’ll join me!
Never in a million years did I think I would be one to have a miscarriage. I knew very few that had one (or so I thought), my mom never had one… I’m young, healthy… surely nothing would go wrong. We went through all the preliminary doctors appointments and scheduled the first ultrasound. I told my parents (on Father’s Day… ugh), grandparents, cousins, coworkers, best friends… I’m pregnant!
And then everything changed. The ultrasound was abnormal and the baby wasn’t developing. It was all gone before we really got started. The worst part was the “I’m not pregnant anymore” conversations with friends and family. I actually felt embarrassed for even telling people in the first place. After the blessing of a distracting week away at a conference, I returned home and reality set in. And the hormones changed. I’ve never been in such a dark place. I now have a glimpse of what post-partum depression looks like and I get it. Then people started coming out of the woodwork… friends and family with multiple miscarriages. This event is SO common, yet no one talks about it. I want that to change – this is a community of support that so many people need. I’m so blessed to have one that formed around me, and a very special thank you to those that helped me crawl my way back (you know who you are).
The past 6 months have been incredibly difficult. Social media = depression with the constant bombardment of pregnancy announcements (the worst are the “oops” pregnancies… why is it so easy for what seems to be everyone else?), adorable nurseries, cute baby clothes, and newborn photos. It took a very long time for me to GENUINELY mean it when I hit “like”, and I still struggle with jealousy. I DREAD the question more than ever… “So, when are you gonna pop out a kid?”… If only it was that easy. It takes a lot for me to just politely respond with a forced smile: “Oh, someday…”
Someday. God really likes to pound in that whole “My timing is perfect” thing. Even though I don’t care to admit it most of the time. With everything my family has gone through the past 2 months, I can’t imagine being 8 months pregnant through it. I’m thankful my parents and brother don’t feel guilty that they can’t be here for my first child’s birth. I’m thankful I haven’t yet been stressed about getting rid of the horrible pink painted room in our new house and getting a nursery ready (as insignificant as that is). Now looking back, I think the pregnancy got me motivated and excited about starting a family, but this was not the right time. I’m SO looking forward to the right time.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 – For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven
Proverbs 3: 5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths.
For me, writing out my thoughts gives me peace, helps me sleep, and encourages healing. Whether you relate or not, whether anyone reads this or not – I am on my way. God’s timing is perfect. I am resolved to wait on Him and be content with my journey.
My journey may not always be so revealing – Sometimes I may just want to post cute pictures of my dogs or show you the new piece of furniture in my house…. But whatever it is, the journey is mine. 🙂